Invisible Grief, Real Loss: Understanding Perinatal Loss
By Angela Chadwick (14-02-26)
Perinatal loss — whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death, or struggles with fertility — can leave a deep and lasting ache. Yet for many, this grief is invisible to others, minimised, or quietly endured. It is a type of grief often referred to as disenfranchised grief: real, embodied, and meaningful, but not always recognised or socially validated.
In my work as a perinatal psychologist, I sit with this grief frequently. I witness how it touches the body, the mind, and relationships, reshaping identity and expectations. And I see how powerful acknowledgement and compassionate support can be — whether you are navigating the loss yourself, or supporting a partner or loved one.
Why Certain Losses Are Minimized
Perinatal grief often occurs in a space where others struggle to understand. People may say:
“At least it happened early.”
“You can try again.”
“It wasn’t meant to be.”
While well-intentioned, these phrases can unintentionally minimise the profound impact of loss. Disenfranchised grief is common in fertility struggles, pregnancy loss, and infant loss — different expressions of the same attachment being interrupted.
Attachment Begins Earlier Than Many Realise
One of the greatest misconceptions in perinatal mental health is that grief only matters when a baby is born. But attachment starts long before:
With a long-held dream of parenthood;
With the first cycle of trying to conceive;
With a positive pregnancy test;
With the first heartbeat on a screen;
With a name spoken quietly at night.
When that attachment is disrupted — whether through infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death — grief follows. And it deserves to be recognised.
Fertility Grief: The Accumulating Quiet
Fertility grief rarely arrives in a single moment. It accumulates, month after month, with cycles of hope, anticipation, and disappointment. Over time, many women describe feeling as though their body has become adversarial, carrying grief for:
The expected timeline;
The imagined ease;
The identity shift that hasn’t yet come;
The future that feels paused.
Because there may be no visible baby, others often struggle to understand the depth of this loss. Yet emotionally and neurologically, the repeated cycles of hope and loss register profoundly.
Pregnancy Loss: When Love Has Already Formed
By the time miscarriage or stillbirth occurs, many parents have already begun to reorganise internally around the baby. Futures have been imagined, hopes nurtured. Pregnancy loss often brings:
Shock and disbelief;
Body-based grief responses;
Guilt or self-blame;
Trauma symptoms;
Anxiety in subsequent pregnancies.
It is rarely acknowledged that you are grieving a baby you had already begun to love, and that gestational age does not determine attachment.
Infant Loss: Grief That Outlives Public Support
When a baby dies in infancy, immediate recognition of tragedy is often followed by a second layer of isolation — as community support fades while grief remains. Parents may experience:
Waves of grief around anniversaries or milestones;
Fear of burdening others with ongoing sadness;
Discomfort from others when the baby’s name is spoken;
Pressure to appear “functional”.
The world may recalibrate faster than a parent’s nervous system can, leaving grief unacknowledged and weighty.
The Dual Process of Perinatal Grief
Healthy grieving often involves oscillation between two states, as described by Stroebe and Schut’s Dual Process Model:
Loss-oriented moments: Fully experiencing sadness, longing, and pain
Restoration-oriented moments: Shifting attention to daily life, responsibilities, or even moments of laughter
This movement is not denial, nor is it “moving on.” It is how the nervous system adapts to significant loss. In perinatal grief — particularly disenfranchised grief — parents often worry they are grieving incorrectly. Oscillation is not weakness; it is adaptation.
When Grief Is Not Witnessed
Disenfranchised grief becomes heavier when it is carried alone. Without validation, people may:
Question the legitimacy of their own pain;
Minimise their emotional responses;
Over-function to compensate;
Suppress grief until it emerges as anxiety or somatic (bodily) distress.
Perinatal grief often lives in the body — through sleep disruption, pelvic heaviness, hypervigilance in future pregnancies, or sudden emotional waves triggered by pregnancy announcements or baby milestones. None of this is irrational; it is attachment seeking integration.
A Gentle Reframe
Grief in the perinatal period is not a sign of fragility. It is evidence of connection. Whether you are grieving:
The child you have been trying to conceive;
The pregnancy you lost;
The baby you held;
Or the future you imagined.
…your grief makes psychological sense. Disenfranchised grief softens not when it is rushed, but when it is acknowledged and witnessed.
Closing Thoughts
Perinatal grief does not require comparison, justification, or a public audience to be valid. It requires witnessing.
If you are navigating fertility grief, miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, support that understands the nuances of perinatal mental health can make a meaningful difference. You do not have to carry invisible grief alone.
Angela Chadwick Psychology
Grounded. Compassionate. Trauma-informed.